math sucks

It is currently 4:06 a.m and i have to be up in about four hours. I've laid in bed for what seems like an eternity fighting this incessant desire to work out pointless math problems in my head. This sounds really stupid right? Well...it IS! and it is driving me nuts! There are no answers to these problems and they go on endlessly! I have no idea how to turn off my brain when this happens. The first time it happened I thought, "weird". The 2nd and 3rd time I thought "ok, this is getting really annoying". Now I lay down at night and half expect it. I've gotten into the bad habit of taking Advil PM every night before I go to bed. This actually helped but I don't want to have to depend on something for my sleep. After a month of sleeping alone Paul finally returned home. I thought this may help with whatever latent anxiety was causing me to do math problems in my sleep and it did. However, I have lost my boyfriend to a more attractive date tonight, Ben and Zack ;), and I find myself in a most familiar situation. I'm not quite sure what to do. So many days I wake up exhausted, feeling like I haven't slept at all. Anyways, I've read for an hour and writing now hoping it will help.

I'm not sure if everyone is like this or maybe just crazy me but in high school there was this girl that I kind of idolized. She was in my class and I was friends with her but not really close friends. Even to this day I'm not really sure why I put her up on a pedestal but I think it was because she embodied at that time what I hoped to become with time. She was not more beautiful or more intelligent or more popular than other girls she was just always "her" and that is what I admired about her. She was never a lot of things, but always one thing and that was genuine. And that is how I have always hoped to be. I cannot even begin to express the amount of situations in my life in which I have asked myself if she would have done the same thing if she was in my position. I know this may sound odd but we all have people we look up to and try to model ourselves after.

Anyways, since graduation and my release into the wild I have always strived to be a "good person". I'm not sure what this means but to me it means looking upon the world with always innocent eyes, no preconceptions, no judgement, a good sense of humor, the ability to to see the best in people, to discern right from wrong, to have honest empathy and the consternation to follow your heart. I have always strived for these qualities and sometimes I am proud of myself and other times I feel like I don't know myself at all. But what I have noticed lately about myself is that I am more like the girl I idolized in high school than I have ever been and that feels really good. This actual girl is not so important as what she instilled in me at a crucial time in my adolescence. I certainly don't have the desire to look her up now because that is not the point. The point is what I learned from her when it was important and for that I am forever grateful.

I'm an old frag

I got my first birthday card in the mail today. Whenever my friends are really on the ball like that it makes me feel really bad that I forgot their birthday this year.....but only by a day or two!! Thanks for the card Jess! :)

Its about 7 o'clock here and I just got back from a hike. When I left school today I was feeling so overwhelmed that I just wanted to cry. I came home, threw the ball for Zoe, then sat down to get to work. But as I sat at my desk I began to feel so utterly depressed I couldn't stand it. I'm not sure if it's school or the fact that Paul is gone or maybe a little of both. I know that a lot of people take a lot more classes than I'm taking and work at the same time and do great. I feel like I probably place a lot more pressure on myself to do well than most students while at the same time questioning whether I am really smart enough to accomplish what I want to. My biggest fear is that I'm kidding myself right now in thinking that I can actually 1) get into a PA school and 2) graduate from it. I am so afraid that I'm going to try my absolute hardest and it still won't be good enough. No one in my family has even been to college. I know that this is hardly the right kind of attitude but I thought that maybe if I got it down on paper/blog it would make me realize how stupid it sounds. Anyways, Zoe and I are going to pick up Kitty...then we're all heading to bar :)

What the heck is this all about?!

I completely forgot I had a blog! I doubt anyone is even going to read this cause it has been such a long time. Basically, being back in Colorado kicks ass! I love it here so much but the fact that I actually live here now and have a CO drivers license and everything makes it kick ass even more. It has been storming almost everyday which is my most favorite thing in the whole world. I've been back in school for about 2 weeks now and I doubt I've spent less than 3 hours on any given day studying. That is fine for now cause I dont really have much else to do, but I think I'll find it very annoying when Paul gets home. Well gotta run :)

sTuFf

My friend Katie came back to Vegas for awhile with her boyfriend Justin. They used to live here but moved back to Wisconsin a few months ago. She is a lot of fun and we have all been staying out till the wee hours of the morning almost every night that she has been here. Clubbing? No...playing poker! She is a fiend! We played at Bally's one night, MGM and Red Rock. I lost about $200 to Lou Diamond Phillips at MGM (for those of you don't know, he was in La Bamba and Young Guns) so that was a little cool but it would've have been cooler if I had taken his $200. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and we (Paul and me) Gabbry and Truman, Justin and Katie, John and Natalie will be headin out to Lake Mead where we rented a boat for the day. We'll also be meeting up with Ethan and gang who rented a party boat. It should be a lot of fun! Also, Paul has gotten me hooked on this stupid role playing game called Oblivion and now it's all I think about :)
Toodles

uuhg

Well, I've been back in Vegas awhile now and it is definitely wearing on me. I'm not miserable but I'm certainly not happy. I am not the kind of person that likes to remain idle (especially in the desert). If I am not doing something that I feel is a contribution to myself or others I am going nuts. Being in school over the spring is how I maintained my sanity here. I absolutely hate Las Vegas and without a distraction of some sort I get very depressed. Getting a job seems like a good solution but we will only be here until the middle of August at the latest (please please please) and I would hate to get a job and quit within a month and a half. I try to keep a smile on my face but I know at times it must look contrived. There are times when I am glad to be here like when Paul is in a tournament and we are busy running around and whatnot, but when that's not the case we get up late, play video games and lay around. I try to go to the gym regularly and I'm pretty successful at it most of the time but it's hard when we have on average 2 people staying with us at all times and everyone has different agendas for the day. I am now 10lbs heavier than I've ever been and that's only since we have lived in Vegas. I'm sure it is a combination of my unhappiness, sedentary lifestyle and dinners out about 4 times a week. When we didn't have tons of people in and out I would cook almost every night and eat pretty healthy, but it's difficult now. My weight issue is a huge part of my unhappiness. I have never struggled with it until recently and my self esteem has taken a pretty huge hit. I'm not looking for compliments, just stating the facts. Anyways, I gotta wrap it up....we're headed to Capo's (my favorite Italian restaurant) :)

I don't want anyone reading this to get the wrong idea. I love all of Paul's friends and really enjoy the company most of the time and I know how incredibly lucky I am to even have the option of not having a job. I am very grateful and appreciative of all the great things in my life....I guess I just needed to have a little pity party.

Kirby is the shizzle

After a sweet three weeks in Boulder which allowed me to catch up on a little Harry Potter action, learn some Smash Brothers moves that I'm sure will go down in history and see one of the most amazing thunderstorms that I have seen in a REALLY long time I hopped in the car for a lovely 12 hr cruise to Vegas. Oh my foot is it HOT! Whew...at midnight last night it was 91 degrees. There is a little puddle of Zoe outside where she melted :(

So having not spent a lot of time in Colorado one thing that grabs my attention are the prairie dogs on the side of the road. They are so cool how they are always just hanging out on their little mounds of dirt. I have just one question though...what the heck are they looking at? They always seem to be staring off into the distance...why?