Long Road to Recovery

It's been five days since Zoe died. Five days since the impossible became a reality. It's been five days full of tears and long silences in which my mind is absorbed in thoughts of her. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning because I can't seem to find a reason to. I walk through the house and I expect to see her around every corner. I come home from being somewhere and catch myself feeling excited to see her. When I am putting the dishes away I still do it very quietly because the noise would scare her.

I know that with time I will stop replaying the circumstances in my head a hundred times a day. And I will stop hearing those words that brought me to my knees in the vet office that day. But for now that is what I do. I just miss her so much. I feel that if I stop thinking about her, even for a moment, it means that I am forgetting her. I know that is silly but I feel like thinking about her keeps her close to me.

It has been so helpful having friends around that loved her to. All of the support has really meant a lot. Our house is full of flowers, food and cards from people that knew Zoe and knew how very special she was.

Zoe's Conclusion

Well I am sure most of you know by now but Zoe passed away on August 18, 2008. It was Monday morning and we were taking her into the vet to get some blood work done because it had been a full week since she had eaten anything and she was going down hill pretty fast. Before we left I took her outside to potty and she laid down in the grass facing away from the house. I let her lay out there until we were ready to leave because she seemed to enjoy it.

On our way to the vet she sat by the window and stuck her head out like she always did. Paul and I thought this was a good sign because for the past few days we couldn't get her interested in anything. When we arrived at the vet Paul had to carry Zoe inside because she was so weak and was obviously scared of this place. Once inside, a vet tech came to get Zoe. Zoe didn't want to go so the woman had to practically drag Zoe into the back. Paul and I were then led into a room to speak with the vet. Our vet, Dr. Peterson, came in after looking at Zoe and told us he would be doing some blood work because Zoe was very sick. He was then called out of the office by someone and returned momentarily. He said "Zoe has just arrested, they are doing CPR on her."

He left us in the room and came back about five minutes later and said that nothing they were doing was working and they had stopped resuscitation.

Needless to say, that was the worst day of my life and today is the second worst day of my life. I have suffered a great deal of losses in my life of people that I loved, but somewhere in the back of my mind it was always somewhat expected. The possibility that Zoe could die never crossed my mind. And when it happened it felt like my heart was pulled from my chest and now there is just a big, empty space where it used to be and it is the most unbearable pain I have ever known. Zoe was a light that brightened every one's life that she touched. She was nothing but goodness and love and now she is gone.

The Dr. did blood work after she had passed and he said that she was in kidney failure and her potassium levels were extremely high, which is why she went into cardiac arrest. He attributes her kidney failure to one of the drugs she was given during the course of her surgeries. He said that about .02% of dogs have this kind of reaction and it is extremely rare. He told us that even if he had diagnosed the problem sooner there was a very small chance that he could have reversed the damage.

So Zoe just got really unlucky. When we took her in for her second surgery the Dr told us that in all of his 20 years of performing these surgeries, he had seen a bent plate like Zoe's only a handful of times and that she probably just took an unlucky jump which bent the plate.

I don't really know what else to say. Everyone who knew Zoe loved her. I don't need to write about what an amazing dog she was because everyone who reads this blog already knows. She was always there, always with us. I know Paul and I are not the only ones who are going to miss her. The only regret that I have about her time here was that it wasn't enough. She had another 10 years to give us but fate had another plan.

I love you Zoe. Thank you for being a part of my life. You found your way to a place in my heart that dogs just aren't suppose to find. I think I loved you from the minute I met you and I promise I'll never stop.

Well, Zoe has been home now for two days and hasn't eaten a bit of food. We took her back to the vet today and he doesn't seem overly concerned even though she has lost 10 lbs. since she went in for her first surgery. Her leg seems to be doing fine though. She is very sullen and withdrawn. We take her out to potty and all she wants to do is come back inside and lay in her crate. She couldn't care less about who is coming or going. It's so hard. I feel like my mental disposition is linked directly to her well being. I can hardly think of anything else but her. I know that might be a bit unhealthy for me, but she is pretty much my world :)

On a brighter note.... I will definitely be able to apply to the P.A. program this Fall. I had to jump through some hoops but finally managed to sign up for my final prerequisite which I will take this Fall. If I don't get in this year it's off to CU to get my bachelors. I looked into some majors that interested me in the science field but unfortunately, they all require either three years of high school or three semesters of a college foreign language. The only other thing that interested me was philosophy so that is probably what I will major in if it comes down to it.

Saga cont.....

We took Zoe back to the vet yesterday and got some very bad news. It turns out that she now has a broken fibula and the plate that had been attached to her tibia and femur to keep them aligned was severely bent. The vet said that in all of his 13 years of performing this surgery, he has only seen something like this 5 times. I was completely shocked! I admit that paul and I didn't keep her as quit as we should have but it wasn't like we let her go nuts. I felt absolutely crushed. We had let Zoe down and now she has to have yet another surgery and stay in the facility until Tues.
The vet, Dr. Peterson, is awesome. He did her first surgery and he is letting her stay at the facility for free and not charging us a surgical fee for her second surgery. He says that we caught it in time and he should be able to repair the damage with no problems. When she comes home she will have an external brace that is screwed into her leg above the knee joint and below. Paul and I will get a larger crate and keep her in there 24/7!!! Please send her good thoughts :)

Zoe Saga

Well, Zoe's surgery went really well and as soon as we got her home she was walking with only a minimal limp. I think that we made a big mistake though. Because she was doing so well we kind of just let her wander around the house like normal. She jumped up on the bed a few times when we weren't watching and climbed a flight of stairs as well. When she began to limp a little worse we decided to cut her way back on the activity she was doing and now we are even crating her at all times except when she goes out to do her business. I'm just really afraid it's too little too late. I hope that we did not allow her to injure herself by allowing her more freedom than we should have. We are going to the vet in about an hour to get her checked out. Keep your fingers crossed.